Forgiving offences: the Work of mercy to teach children

In a world increasingly dominated by pride, families have the task of teaching children to forgive and apologise.

(edited by Father Bruno Ferrero)

Today there is a widespread and evident difficulty in apologising.

The concept of forgiveness is largely ignored. One reason why many adults find it difficult to express themselves through the language of forgiveness is that they never learned that vocabulary during childhood. Here are the steps to learn it.

Jubilee, a year to forgive and to be forgiven

For the Catholic Church, the Jubilee is the year of remission of sins, reconciliation, conversion, and sacramental penance. It is also called the Holy Year.

It can be a wonderful year to experience as a family in order to learn.

The art of forgiveness must be learned during childhood. A child can learn to say sorry while still very young, and their level of understanding of the importance of seeking and granting forgiveness must grow along with them.

In this way, the foundations are laid for moral and relational growth in later years. Parents must accompany children through a series of simple yet decisive stages.

Taking responsibility

The first step in teaching our children to apologise is guiding them to take responsibility for their behaviour. This journey can begin very early and in morally neutral contexts. Taking responsibility for one’s words and actions is the first step toward learning how to apologise.

Children generally take responsibility willingly for their positive actions. «I ate three forkfuls of spinach. Can I have pudding now?». «I’m the fastest runner of all». «I drew a nice car during art class». These are all statements of taking responsibility for positive actions.

On the other hand, children are not quite so ready to take responsibility for less noble deeds. When was the last time you heard a three-year-old admit: «I ate the cake mummy told me to leave alone» or: «I pushed Nicolino»? Taking responsibility at this level requires significant care and attention from parents, who must patiently reshape statements like «It broke!» into statements starting with “I”: «I broke it!».

Actions that affect others

The second step in teaching children to apologise consists in helping them understand that their actions always impact others. «If you help mummy set the table, mummy is happy. If you play ball in the house and break the lamp, mummy is sad. If you tell your little sister: «I love you», she feels loved; if instead you tell her: «I hate you», she feels hurt. Your words and actions help or hurt other people. When you help someone, you feel good; when you hurt someone, you feel bad».

Human beings are fragile and vulnerable. Everyone carries a label that reads: «Handle with care, treat with caution, fragile goods».

In life there are rules

The third step in teaching children to apologise is helping them understand that life always involves rules. The most important one is the golden rule taught by Jesus: treat others as you would like to be treated.

Yet there are many other rules, most of which are aimed at helping us live well together. «No playing ball in the house» is a rule many parents establish for obvious reasons. «We must not take anything that does not belong to us. We must not say untrue things about other people. We must not cross the street without checking that no vehicles are coming from either direction. We must say “thank you” when someone offers us something or says something nice about us. We must go to school every weekday, unless we are ill or there is a serious problem».

Apologising is necessary

The fourth step to help children learn to apologise is to help them understand that apologising is necessary to preserve healthy interpersonal relationships. When I hurt someone with my words or behaviour, I erect a barrier between that person and myself. If I do not learn to apologise, that barrier remains, and my relationship with that person becomes damaged. My hurtful words or actions drive people away and, without an apology, they will continue to drift away. A child, teenager, or adult who fails to grasp this reality will ultimately end up isolated and alone.

The five-step game

All of this can be summed up in a kind of five-step ladder, which can almost become a game for the little ones:

1. Expressing regret: «I am sorry»;
2. Taking responsibility: «I was wrong»;
3. Trying to make amends: «What can I do to fix this?»;
4. Sincerely committing for the future: «I will try not to do it again»;
5. Asking for forgiveness: «Can you forgive me?».

The goal is for children to develop a “mindset of forgiveness”. Their competence should grow with age, very much like learning a language.

In any case, the most effective way to teach older children to speak the language of forgiveness is leading by example. When parents apologise to their children for harsh words or unfair treatment, they provide the most impactful lesson. Young children do what parents say; older children do what parents do. If parents learn to apologise to one another, to their children, and to others, then their children will also learn to speak the languages of forgiveness.

Photo by Alexander Dummer (Pexels)

Source: Vivere, Rivista Sacro Cuore, January 2025, pp. 20 – 21